Monday, 8 April 2013

MUSIC THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME HAPPY.

Seeming that this blog is mainly music, I've wanted to share my tastes with you all and share the awesomeness.
I listen to most music, except that really twangy country stuff *shudder* and really gangsta rap. I don't have a big taste for dubstep or general mainstream though :/
So it seems that I've tried to post as much good, enjoyable music as possible. Some songs are so amazing and perfect that even Consuela wouldn't say no to them. Right.



But there's always going to be music that just doesn't work. Some songs are just wrong. So today I'm going to list some of these songs/artists/musicians that make me want to pour acid into my ears and burn away all the horrible music. Actually today I went to the doctor for an earache I had - interesting...

MAJOR WARNING. IF ANYONE SUES ME FOR HEARING DAMAGE, I'LL MAKE SURE YOU GET VISION IMPAIRMENT AS WELL.

1. Blood On The Dance Floor

If you're a SGTC kid, get out.
These guys dress up all 'pretty' for the cameras, but their music really is pathetic. Seriously. The listeners of their songs are those annoying teenagers who hate 'mainstream crap'. Right. Because BOTDF doesn't sound ANYTHING like that stuff.

Seriously, they're really bad. Kudos to you if these songs helped pull you out of any darker times, but these songs are just horrific. And their image is comical. People always complain about metal musicians being theatric - you haven't seen these guys:

PENTAGRAM? WE'RE BAD BOYS!
I'm pretty sure that's a sin. Oh wait, we apparently like sin. Rebels!




Oh dear.

They're scene on drugs. Frontman Dahvie Vanity looks like a five year old who can't decide on his/her gender wearing Grandad's toupĂ©e after dipping it in peroxide and passing it through a nuclear reactor. Jayy von Monroe (yes, two ys) looks like some poor dodo bird owned by Ke$ha died on his head. These guys look HILARIOUS!

You might be thinking - okay, they look like they want to be bullied and/or thought to be colour blind, but as long as they make good music, they're cool, aren't they?

No.


If you're seriously game to hear these guys, here it is. Even the deaf hate this music.
 
 
Oh, and to top it all off, Dahvie Vanity is a suspected child sex offender. A few people have come out and said that he has had relationships with underage girls. I'm sorry, but that is sick. Especially since their main  only audience is teenagers. A man in his mid-twenties is not supposed to go around kissing girlies half his age, even though they're the only female attention he can actually get. I bet you his mouth is more infected than a public toilet.
 
BOTDF is a waste of time and human skin. Done.
 
 
2. Nicki Minaj - Stupid Hoe
 
As a general rule, Nicki isn't good. I just wanted to draw attention to this IDIOTIC song - check out these lyrics:
'Role model'
 
Trashy, boring and plain stupid. Ahem.
What literary genius coined the phrase 'then I piss on bitches'? That's right, kids. Nicki Minaj. Dignified.
 
Ugh. Her music is all the same, and if you're going to plagiarise YOUR OWN SONGS, you could at least make them good songs.
 
It constantly surprises me how many people actually think this is music - a woman who looks like she was the brainchild of the Village People and Pamela Anderson. Give me a break. She can't even rap or sing, let alone do both.
 
I wonder if she gets cold with all the skin she exposes. Hussy.
 
It's quite worrying how a woman who can't even formulate recognizable sentences is worshipped by young, impressionable children everywhere. There is a serious issue when some four year old kids start bopping around to a song called Stupid Hoe and then they get millions of YouTube hits and an episode on Ellen and the chance to meet Nicki. Actually, it's probably not too hard to get ahold of her. Quite easy, really.
 
 
 
3. Birdy
 
Okay. Now you all probably are thinking, "Naomie! You're such a hipster that you hate on mainstream music and buy flower crowns and have a blog, rather than tumblr. Shouldn't you love Birdy with a religious devotion?"
"I'm so indie that I lean on windowsills and I still don't look at the camera!"
 
 
Well excuse me. I do not enjoy her music.
 
Her piano playing is quite credible, but when you try to integrate classical piano with whiny singing and BON IVER, you get quite a disaster. Which is Birdy in a nutshell.
 
I'm seriously sick of everyone saying 'But she's only 16! What talent!'
I'm sorry, but I don't really see how age makes too much of a difference. In everything, when people who are young or old do stuff, good for them. Their age shouldn't be a defining aspect of their careers. It's wonderful that you're following your dreams, but your age shouldn't have to do with anything. Unless your dream is to become an alcoholic. Um.
When people are babbling on about how 'their daughter memorised her two times tables when she was four' or how 'their son wrote a ten thousand word novella by age five', I don't care for their age. Sure, you would have less time to refine something (whether you are limited by your youth or old age) but often these things should be part of who you are. Not something that can get you a few thousand more fans.
 
Back to Birdy. Yeah no. Her covers aren't very good - they all sound the same and don't even scratch at doing the originals justice. It's quite irritating (strangely, actually) when people say 'BIRDY IS BRILLIANT! SHE WROTE SKINNY LOVE WHEN SHE WAS 14!'
 
take that back. right now.
 
Even her originals aren't that impressive. They sound like the covers. They sound like covers.
 
I sincerely hope that the person who deemed Birdy's singing to be like that of a graceful avian creature flies into a window sometime soon. Especially if that someone was Jasmine van Bogaerde herself.
 
4. Skrillex
 
Look at this guy. Look! The undercut hair and the snake bite piercings and the hipster glasses scream 'mysterious, enigmatic, look-at-me-I'm-so-alternative.'
 
NOPE.
 
It's not working mate.
 
He's worth $15 million for making bleepity bloop bloop boom weaoweaoweao eeieeieeieei chuugchuugchuug ba dum dum dum ding ding woop woop neeeeeeeeaooooooooo frompfrompfromp. Literally.
 
When I first heard Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites I thought it sounded like a bee having a stroke.
 
It's quite ridiculous how a man pushing a few random buttons can make music. It's like me when I play fighting games - I just press random buttons. Heck, I'd do a better job than Skrillex by throwing a synthesiser against a wall.
 
There's no melody, or drive, or anything. It's supposed to be electronica or techno or club or whatever you house music pedantics (what? I surely jest - there is no such thing as a clever house music listener... I'm so funny.) want to call it. It's not dance music. More like the sound of the apocalypse.
 
Here are the lyrics of Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites:
 
Waawaaawaa wasaaaaaaa woopwoop wuh wuh ting ting tololololololoooooo ribba ribba qvee qvee qvee qvee chuumchuumchuum dum dum dum doom doomm doommmmmm domma doma dom dom bleep blerp blerp blerp weaowaowaowao chuug chuug frmp frmp frmp frmp schlim schilm schlim go go go
 
Yes, oh my gosh! Oh who's there?
 
bleep blerp blerp blveeerp weaowaowaowoopwao chuug chuudoomm doommmmmm g frmp frmp frmp frmp schlveeim schildomma doma m schlim godomma doma  gh wuh o go woopwoop
 
Backwards: Pagan ritual from the medieval times that apparently died with an unnamed witch when she was burnt at the stake for possessing a goat and predicting the hair loss of the monarch.
 
 
 
I guess those are the four that I really dislike the most. Mainly because they're idiotic, pointless, untalented or perverts. Whichever combination of those suits you.
 
For the love of all that is good, I hope these artists never collaborate. Oh dear. I've put that idea out there. *retract!!!*
 

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